Oh, My God!

Months and  years later

Long after life’s many a matter

I am finally choosing to write to you, master

Read it for you must, it does matter.

I wondered why there is so much sand on this desert terrain

I wondered who planted the thousands of trees and shrubs in the Ghats

I wondered how the tuskers brushed their teeth

I also wondered if the fish go home and wash their feet

Then I wondered why study math: calculus and geometry 

To life it adds no structure or symmetry.

Why study for exams if we were to repeat what is already there in many books?

If all men are good which ones are the police catching as the crooks?

Why is the Ganga sacred whereas Thames is  just a river?

Why are our temples bustling with discordant sounds unlike the pervasive silence of the Church?

What is life, death and soul,

How can the attainment of the unseen be a goal?

Thereafter I pondered on the swaying daffodils and the tragedy of the Capulets

On the bewildering act of Brutus, over the inexplicable incarceration of Shahjahan

Over the pain of an injury and the ache of a feeling that could only be felt

Over the height of the Chamundi Hills and the exploits of the Chambal bandits

Over the “Mother of all wars” and the aliens depicted in the Star Wars.

Then I mused over the certainty of the cycle of the days, years, centuries and time

Ageing processes and loss of grandparents 

Genes, globalisation or metaphysics, opinions on them were mine!

Comparing present with past became a favourite pastime 

Surging ahead, I pondered over the credulity of Othello and the grace of Jake Barnes in academic papers and classes

At once impressing teachers and offending errant peers, 

Classism, marxism, casteism, feminism and mayhem all elicited jeers,

Flouting the norm, as south Indians mostly opted to be doctors or engineers.

I paused and perused on the subtlety between living and existing 

Between marriage and living on one’s terms

The overarching confidence infused by my mother and the emotional quotient I inherited from my father

Set me thinking on the thought behind thoughts even on matters of the heart.

Political debates, quizzing and conferencing 

I found them extremely and intellectually stimulating.

Evaluating humans and their psyche, studying gender norms and discrimination

Began to grasp the distinction between diplomacy and discretion

Between pursuing a passion and earning a living (to sustain it) 

The meaning of hailing from a middle class now euphemistically referred to as the aspirational class

Wavering between a Hamletian dilemma to getting teenagers to appreciate the nuances of the written word

Transitioning from a Luna super to a Swift and a Celerio, from a tier 2 city to the “City by the Sea”

Between relishing a meal at the Taj with my beaming mom to being mum on her terminal condition

Between a proclivity for erudition and a creeping dread of devastation

Learning the need to file taxes to dissuading self from multiple credit cards

Discerning praise from professional jealousies, amidst idiosyncrasies and mediocracies 

I pondered, wondered, prayed and appealed several times and in several ways…

Languishing from maternal loss and a lifelong love, from sanity and insanity

From scrutiny and security, from emotionality to the fragility of life and its people

I lamented, learnt and appealed several times and in several ways…

Is living a mystery and an endless experience in incertitude 

Or does proclivity for the mystical kindle allure for death and life hereafter?

If happiness is ever transitory and ephemeral why then do we not celebrate pain? 

If loneliness and loss are companions why aspire for companions in life?

If the future and present are all unknown is there ever anything known? 

If the world, its people, the powers that be are ground to a halt by an unseen, non-living virus

Is it of any worth: life, livelihood and all its living? 

I look forward, now chastened, hopeful and mellow

To muse, mull, marvel this does seem to be the time 

To live and love this appears to be the harbinger of good times.

Yet to suffer, to aspire, to travel and to explore uncertainty is heaped on with more uncertainty

Far from multiplexes and multitudes the pulchritude of nature soothes,

In hope, humility and in happiness I again appeal to you, Master, to resolve this riddle in life…for me, for mine and us all

- A G K 

13 May, 2020

From Meandering Expressions, collection of poems.